Beating a Dead Horse!
Washington and Lee University is where General Robert E. Lee taught, and is buried, and thus bears his name. Currently, University President Dudley has been trying to expunge the University of anything referring to Lee. Just recently, the University replaced a marker commemorating Lee’s horse Traveller (https://www.horseandman.com/horse-stories/traveller-a-difficult-horse-but-robert-e-lee-loved-him-and-made-him-famous/05/28/2017/). This has provoked controversy (https://www.wluspectator.com/home/2023/7/14/travellers-headstone-removed-not-yet-replaced and https://www.wluspectator.com/home/2023/7/14/travellers-headstone-removed-not-yet-replaced). Hence, this open letter to him.
Hello President William C. Dudley,
Your ability to judge the Living and the Dead amazes me! You even judge a dead horse! I wonder how you attained such a powerful ability to judge others, particularly over the Dead. Sincerely tell me, do you really think replacing a monument to a horse with revisionist history will clean your soul? It most certainly will not. Since you believe in such powers, let me introduce you to mine.
As a Believer in the God of Abraham, I do not meddle with the Devil and his Demons, but I do communion with the Dead, so I may see the world through Their Eyes. With Their assistance, I have placed a very powerful hex upon you. They have been easily enlisted to assist as they love horses and many fought along with Lee and learned from him. Oh, how many of the Dead cite the Bible verse Romans 2:1-16 in thinking of you! Oh this has all the makings of the South shall rise again!
Heritage has brought me these powers as I am a descendant of a woman convicted of witchcraft in the Salem Trials -- and escaped! I know the power of the mind, the Dead, and witchcraft! More importantly, a hex.
Perhaps at first you will worry but this will subside. Perhaps you will even forget this hex, but every time you forget, it will just become stronger. Strange events will happen to you and you will try hard to dismiss them. Odd nightmares will be hard to distinguish from reality. Anxiety will become constant. As time passes, you will be persistently sick and fatigued. Eventually, you will be disabled, and from there, resting at Death’s door. You will try to evade the Grim Reaper but it will be to no avail as the Reaper will have a great interest in you and how you have judged the Dead.
You will probably contact authorities, but no one is making a threat to you or anyone else. Witchcraft is not a crime. There is no poison, no weapon: only your mind, the Dead, and the hex.
I also must apologize to your family and friends. I did not complete my courses in witchcraft, therefore, I cannot undo the hex. You will probably want to consult with spiritual advisors regarding this ominous hex. Perhaps you should call upon the Lord of Lords or acquire a talisman. Also, I did not put enough focus on the hex, so it may be a bit indiscriminate. This means those around you might suffer some. I suppose, however, unexpected projectile vomit and loose bowels is not so bad as compared to what will eventually happen to you. Nature does take a course.
You will perhaps think it is just a horse and that I am being mean and crass, but at least I am not a horse's ass.
Deo vindice!
Most Respectfully,
Andrew L. Sullivan