Santa’s Elf Complains

Government Regulation Hurts Kids

After many numerous efforts to reach Santa Claus or his representatives failed, I finally made contact. Recently, you probably heard Santa’s reindeers have been approved for entry into the US and the state of Nebraska, as well as Norad’s annual Santa tracker (https://www.usda.gov/media/press-releases/2020/12/23/usda-clears-santas-reindeer-entry-united-states and https://www.usda.gov/media/press-releases/2020/12/23/usda-clears-santas-reindeer-entry-united-states and https://pbs.twimg.com/media/GB5aab2XoAAgW_8?format=jpg&name=medium)

I wanted to get Santa’s office’s take on this and finally made contact with Elf 32. He cannot reveal his real name due to employee privacy but here is the transcript.

Andrew: Hello, are you there?

Elf 32: Yes, Mr. Sullivan, you are coming in clear now. I am sorry I have not returned your calls but we have been very busy here.

Andrew: Understandable. Thanks for taking my call.

Elf 32: No problem. Well, I actually should not be talking to the likes of you, but Santa has given me some leeway.

Andrew: Great! So are you up for questions?

Elf 32: Go for it!

Andrew: The Nebraska Department of Agriculture and the USDA just approved the entry of Santa’s reindeers, including Rudolph. NORAD in the US also tracks Santa. What does Santa and the Elves think of such government interference?

Elf 32: Oh, you go right for the jugular don’t you? Well, the governments of the world have so many regulations even down to the municipal level. Permits and permissions act like a tax on us. About 20 percent of the eleves work solely on such permissions. The pooper scooper laws are really difficult. This also greatly reduces the amount of toys we want to give out as well as to the many children we want to bring gifts.

Andrew: You mean you don’t deliver toys to all children?

Elf 32: Contrary to the myth, no. Santa does not deliver gifts to all children, or at least not every year. Sometimes elves will deliver the toys, particularly difficult apartment buildings or odd remote locations. We try to make certain Santa visit families with many children. You can spot traces of elves as they tend to drop glitter about which is so easily ignored but is evidence of their journey. And some children are quite bad and do not deserve even being mentioned but their parents love and care about them so much, they will sneak presents under the trees in our absence. After all, children cannot be perfect all the time and good parents are quite forgiving. Parents would not go to such lengths to give their children gifts if Santa Claus did not exist. But we do keep on reviewing behavior.

Andrew: Wow! So how does Santa go about delivering gifts worldwide in one night? How is this accomplished?

Elf 32: We use a wide array of technologies including time-distortion, holograms, and Star Trek-like transporters. All of it is elf technology. We have special security forces to prevent Amazon, UPS, and FedEx from stealing it. At the same time, Communist China really has tried to steal our technology which creates the list of naughty and nice children. Time distortion allows Santa to compress a month of time into a day. Also, we don’t do all deliveries on Christmas day. There is a reason for the labels “Don’t open until Christmas day”. Also, not all cultures celebrate Christmas in the same way or the same day. Look to the Orthodox Christians as an example.

Andrew: Wow! Does this technology result in conflict or lawsuits?

Elf 32: Amazon really has been trying to scam and steal from us. Jeff Bezos has few fans here as he tried to sue us but failed and turned around and tried to kidnap some elves. Yet, Elon Musk is highly praised here. Many elves think Elon is one of us! The elves here were really upset to learn he cannot run for President of the USA. Can you do anything about that?

 Andrew: Well, (name censored), I honestly did not expect such a question but there is next to nothing I can do to make Elon Musk president of the USA. Anyways, what about non-Christian children?

Elf 32: Another myth. We are unapologetically a Christian organization celebrating the birth of Christ, but we will deliver gifts to non-Christians. But the child’s parents must have a belief in Santa bringing goodwill. Sadly, many parents do not. Our mission to children is only part of our business model. The other part is trying to encourage parents to be good parents.

Andrew: Alright, so what about the allegations of Santa violating privacy and civil liberties by spying on behavior?

Elf 32: Sigh, another myth. We are not a surveillance operation, although Communist China keeps trying to steal our technology under the assumption we are. We rely heavily on reports from Guardian Angels. You know, such as the Angel who told Abraham to spare his son Isaac. Everyone has one. Their reports are fairly accurate but we have to double-check to be certain their reports align with our standards. They really report on the bad children and really praise the good children.

Andrew: So what are the chances a family will actually see Santa Claus?

Elf 32: Extremely rare, even if it is a mall Santa. Yes, Santa will do malls, but the chances are you actually met one of our elves. These mall Santas are often retired elves and want Santa’s mission to continue so they are pleased to imitate him to entertain you and your children. Treat them well. But I think you are thinking of home visits. Spotting Santa is extremely rare. However, there is evidence you can look for.

Andrew: Really? Please tell.

Elf 32: First, if you see a Christmas tree ornament on the floor, this is a good Santa sign. A parent, in placing presents under the tree and knocking an ornament loose, would have put the ornament back on the tree, but Santa does not waste such time. Second, if you put out cookies and milk, Santa will drink the milk but confiscate the cookies for us elves. We receive several tons of cookies each year. All the elves love this!  Honestly, if you put out some microbeer and chicken wings, you might have a better chance of spotting Santa, but the father of family might beat Santa to it! Third, look for reindeer poop. It may be on the roof, your yard, driveway, or wherever, but nature takes a course. Fourth, look for an odd spot of yellow snow. Santa is very old but lives long and still has to empty his bladder. He tends to relieve himself in odd places, which can be hard to notice. Fifth, glitter, look for glitter. If Santa has not visited you, an elf most likely did. Our work and magic require glitter so do not be surprised if we spilt a bit.

Andrew: You do realize, if I ever tell anyone this, which I will, they won’t believe it.

Elf32: Yep, which is the only reason I agreed to this interview. It plays into the “plausible deniability” method.

Andrew: Oh, you truly are evil! (chuckling)

Elf 32: Nope, just trying to help Santa deliver gifts to all the good boys and girls of the world! (laughing)

Andrew: So what of the gender issue? Does Santa’s organization have to worry about misgendering a child?

Elf 32: Oh my! You Americans really want to go to the gutter on everything! We do not worry about gender. What a child wishes for, we try to provide. Do you have any other good questions? Or are there only idiotic questions left?

Andrew: Sorry, (censored). I did not mean to upset you but it is something people wonder about. Anyways, thank Santa and the rest of your merry elves for making Christmas merry. Best wishes to you.

Elf 32: Merry Christmas to you too and best wishes to you as well.

(disconnect)